[wikileaks headquarters]

JCwire Washington, D.C.

Information provider Wikileaks today released documents implicating Santa Claus, aka St. Nicholas, of collaborating with the NSA regarding millions of American behavioral records. The data was said to be far more specific than the “Naughty or Nice” lists believed to be tracked by Santa and his Elves. Tax fraud, influence peddling, bullying, and even infidelity were described in detail within millions of case files tracked by Elves under Santa’s direct supervision.

“This is a violation of Americans’ right to privacy,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). Records indicated a long list of transgressions by Cruz, including lying under oath and harboring ill will toward his fellow men. “I admit nothing!” said Tom Cajoski, a plumber in Langsford, OH, whose record indicated multiple extramarital trysts and a pattern of cover-up spanning more than ten years. “I didn’t do it!” affirmed Donny Taylor of Lemsford, CT. The released files indicated he had stolen lunch from a fellow classmate at Lincoln Elementary.

Wikileaks defended the verity of the information, stating that random polygraph testing of Elves affirmed the accuracy of the data collection. Santa himself could not be reached for comment, but spokesmen for the legendary figure only confirmed that Santa and the NSA had reached an agreement of “mutual accord.” Officials requesting anonymity suggested the NSA had threatened to cancel night flight clearances for the sleigh if Santa had refused to cooperate. Facing billions of unhappy children worldwide, Santa acquiesced. Seventeen terabytes of data were surrendered to American authorities.

Officials at the NSA refused to comment. Internal sources said the agency was bustling with activity as employees redacted personal comments in voluminous records. “Talk about catching a tiger by the tail,” one employee was heard to say.