Trump introduces registration plan
JCwire: Salt Lake City, UT
Today Donald Trump revealed a plan to add the identities of foreign terrorists to his previously announced Muslim database. In a well attended rally in Youngstown, OH, Trump explained, “I’m instructing all foreign militants – especially ISIS recruits – to sign up in my database as registered enemies of America. We’re also asking for photos and facebook accounts.” Pointing to the crowd, he added, “This is going to be huge!”
Reporters at the event challenged the likelihood of such voluntary registration, citing potential language and stealth issues. “That’s not going to be a problem,” replied the Republican front-runner. “These fighters will scramble over each other to be on such a notorious list. They’ll brag to their friends and post their registration numbers on facebook. It will be a status marker, especially for the young folks.”
Others expressed doubt about the ability of hidden fighters to access the internet. He replied, “Technology is not going to be a problem either. We’ve got an app for online registration. These terrorists all have cell phones for their logistical coordination and bomb detonation. App downloads are already straining the servers we’ve installed! But we’re going to get more, don’t worry. I’m going to pay for them, whatever it takes.”
Democrats decried the plan as unworkable and unrealistic. Hillary Clinton’s campaign issued a statement by the candidate, saying “Donald Trump should leave security policy to those qualified to manage it, like the President and Secretary of State. He’d have better luck registering the offshore accounts of his tax-evading millionaire friends.”
Republicans called the idea far-fetched but Trump dismissed his party’s criticism. “At least I’m doing something to fight terrorism and protect Americans. They haven’t done a thing in eight years!”
Later, at a rally in Salt Lake City, UT, Trump elaborated on the motivational aspects of his plan. “The first 100,000 terrorists who sigh up will receive discounted – and in some cases, totally free – admission to Trump properties. I’m talking hotels, casinos, resorts, the works. It’s going to be fabulous! They can even bring their wives – however many they have.”
Bernie Sanders criticized the involvement of the wealthy in foreign policy by re-stating his campaign theme. “This is another example of the excessive influence that billionaires in our country have on national and global issues. Our foreign policy should not be dictated by real estate moguls. It should be determined by the public and their elected representatives.”
Told of this remark, Trump laughed and said, “Sure Bernie. You can invite them up to your place in Vermont, but I don’t think that’s gonna work.” Gesturing forcefully, Trump continued, “I AM a billionaire. I know how to do these things on a grand scale. And I’m telling you, this is gonna be huge!”