Teaching Mandate for Elected Officials
Constitutional Change Required
JCwire: Washington

Momentum for a change to the U.S. Constitution gained ground today as legislators pitched their plan for a new requirement to elected office: teaching in K-12 classrooms.

Supporters claimed that the skills required to broker debate and maintain order in the current Congress are best learned by teaching unruly children in the nations primary and secondary schools. “Just as classroom management is crucial in maintaining an educational environment, that same skill is paramount as we try to bring irrational adults to focus on immediate tasks at hand,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), Minority Leader of the House.

“Rounding up Kindergarteners who are scattering in all directions is roughly equivalent to coalescing a party to reach an agreed position,” explained Rep. Barbara Lee (D-CA), co author of the measure.

“It’s more like getting fifth graders back in their seats,” said Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), Majority Whip. “Kindergarteners are still innocent and have no ill intent. Given a few years in our schools, students develop an attitude and a more dangerous capability for subterfuge. Teaching fifth grade is an absolute requirement.”

“No, it’s not,” clarified Rep. Lee.

“Is too!,” retorted Rep. McCarthy.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) opposed the plan. “The kids made fun of me. They were mean. I’m not going back there,” he asserted, wiping his cheek. 

“The problem is that politicians today expect rational behavior and they’re lost when they don’t get it,” said Congresswoman Pelosi. “Much of the gridlock we see today is the result of – let’s be honest – temper tantrums. ‘I won’t. Never! I’ll hold my breath until the government goes bankrupt!’ All these outburst are akin to the immature mind of the K-12 student. Learning to interact, persuade and lead these personalities is crucial to the success of a legislator today.”

Asked whether this applied only to Congress, Rep. Lee clarified the scope. “It’s even more essential for a governor or president: they have to reel in both parties, each of which appears incapable of organizing itself. It’s a daunting task – one that only a K-12 teacher could hope to understand.”

“It’s a bit of a strange requirement,” said Senator Harry Reid (D-NV), “but I’m for it. A stint in the K-12 trenches would give these leaders the necessary and essential experience to do their jobs.” The Majority Leader continued, “ Lord knows they don’t have the tools they need at present. We can provide job training at the same time as addressing the high student-teacher ratios we’re now experiencing in public schools.”

When questioned about private schools in the plan, Rep. Pelosi responded that “Private schools don’t count. The teacher ratios are not as high and the kids are not as undisciplined. That’s just the kind of loophole this Congress would flush out in an instant.”

Vice-President Joe Biden, longtime member of Congress himself, offered an alternative from the Obama administration. “Heck, just switch them out altogether. Put K-12 teachers into Congress; they’d have the place running smoothly in no time!”