I don’t know why it never occurred to me. I mean, I studied Spanish in High School. I married a Cuban. I conversed with “mi suegra” – my mother-in-law – who spoke no English. Lived in San Francisco, and San Mateo; worked in Santa Clara. “San” … “Santa” … it was all so clear to me now. He is a she: Santa Claus is a transvestite!

Maybe a transgender, or at least a cross-dresser! I’m not sure what to make of this. I’m an open person, and generally accepting. I always thought the diminution of Ms. Claus – the missing character in this seasonal play – was a gross oversight. “Behind every great man” and all that. But Santa: a woman in drag? Wow! Blow me away!

Did it matter? No, not really. And good for her! No wonder all the presents got produced and delivered – on time! What guy could really pull that off? This is probably another of those cases where a competent woman concluded she wouldn’t be taken seriously unless she donned the garb of the other sex. The things women have to do to get respect! Never has it been fair.

But how was I going to explain this to the kids?! We’ve rolled out that whole reindeer and sleigh thing, the bearded psuedo-Santas in the shopping malls, the bellowing bass of “Ho Ho Ho!” How does one rewrite history, rectify the injustice, switch the imbued roles of gender … to a five year old whose eyes have that look of belief and trust?

Not to mention the impact on the rest of the world. What about the markets? I can see the DOW plummeting on the news. What would happen to my investments, my retirement, my 401k? Oh wait: after the last two recessions, I don’t have a 401k. Whew! That’s a relief.

Maybe I should just keep quiet about this, tell no one. We could make a slight change to the rules of Spanish, stating that “Santa” could sometimes refer to a male saint. That would be the safest, the easiest.

And the most cowardly. Aren’t we ready to admit that a woman can be President, can lead a company as CEO, can fly around the world in a sleigh wearing pants? Damn straight!

Or Gay, or whatever. I’m calling it like it is. “Hey everybody, Santa is a woman and I’m proud of her!” It’s time we all got smart and realized a few things: that a woman can often do a better job than a man in an executive position, that a woman relates better with children than most men, and that she really does look good in a red pant suit!