“Company Store” Model Resurrected

Mitt Romney addressed a cheering crowd of coal miners today, saying that “American coal is an essential part of our energy future, burning hotter and cleaner than coal from other countries.”  Using the platform to introduce his rescue plan for Middle Class America, Romney extolled, “To those who say I have no compassion for the Middle Class under siege in this mismanaged economy, to those who cannot get loans from the banks we bailed out, to those who can’t even put hors d’oeuvres on the table, I bring a message of hope.

“To guide us to a solution for these difficult times, I have reached back to our country’s roots in unbridled capitalism,” said the former Mergers & Acquisitions strategist.  “With the same efficiency and determination that helped us harness the productivity of the Industrial Revolution, we are going to make our economy great again – while providing for our Middle Class workers!”  The audience rose in a standing ovation.

“Under my ‘Company Store’ plan, corporations will be encouraged, through attractive tax incentives and government grants, to offer credit to their workers.  This ensures that underpaid workers – especially single mothers and minorities – will have enough take-home money to put food on their plates and keep up with the rent.  And it has the added benefit of supporting loyalty between employee and employer.”  Some clapping ensued.

Asked how he would pay for this program, Romney explained, “Government is impersonal and payments are subject to partisan squabbling in Washington.  It’s a Jungle out there!  When elected, I’m going to discontinue the tangled mess of entitlement programs.  We’ll use that money to support the personal bond between worker and manager.  When unexpected financial needs arise, like health problems or educational expenses, a worker can ask for extra cash.  Managers will be able to say, ‘Sure Bob; we’ll just put it on your tab.’  Easy as that!”

One young miner in the audience asked, “Yea, but won’t that just put us deeper in debt?”

“Look, if the country can borrow massive amounts to stay afloat, why not the people of the country?  Wouldn’t you rather borrow from the employer you know instead of impersonal lenders, like the Chinese?”

Another miner asked about European economies.  “I hear they offer living wages and free health care.”

“Yea, and look where that got them!  Bankruptcy and forced austerity programs.  We’re not French or German or even Portuguese.  In America, we have our own way of doing things and it’s made us the most successful economy in the world, last I looked.  The ‘Company Store’ plan provides for our workers while protecting private capital from the overreaching demands of unions and socialist-leaning liberals.  In fact, this plan could reverse some of the devastating damage done by unions.  For instance, workers will put in extra hours to catch up on their tabs, getting us back on track to a six day work week!”

“Some of us already work two jobs!” said a bearded fellow in the front row.

“Perfect!” said the former Governor.  “There’s no restriction on asking for credit from multiple employers.”

“Doesn’t sound perfect to me,” answered the questioner, crossing his arms.

Governor Romney moved from the podium, removed his suit jacket, and addressed the man directly.  “Look, all these plans to distribute wealth away from the wealthy don’t account for the way capitalism works.  We’ve got to accumulate capital so that it can be invested in businesses that create jobs.  Let me explain it this way: if the government gave each one of you a thousand dollars, you’d buy furniture or beer or go fishing.  No jobs created!  But if the government gave $1,000 per person to a very limited number of individuals, they’d have so much they’d have to invest in something.  And they do, in businesses, creating jobs!”

Highlighting another facet of his plan, Governor Romney resolved that “When elected, I will introduce legislation making it illegal for any employer to impose a mandatory retirement age.  Your ability to keep on working will not be infringed under my administration!  Not only that, employers will have to offer transitional training to employees who want to downshift to part-time work, like at fast food establishments.

“Don’t you see?  This plan virtually privatizes all those government entitlement programs … except the ones for corporations and the top 2%, which are basically private anyway.  Food stamps, welfare, all those won’t be necessary any more as the paternalistic, family-like bonds of caring corporations take over to support the Middle Class.  And when I say Middle Class, I mean anyone with incomes of zero to a hundred thousand a year.”

As miners rose and began to leave, Romney called out, “Wait, you don’t have to worry about your debt.  There’s even a provision in the plan that lets you transfer the liability to your children!”