Romney Reveals TARP
JCwire, Pittsburgh
Today presidential contender Mitt Romney unveiled his 50 Point economic platform, which he called “The American Redistribution Plan” or TARP. Responding to criticism that his five point plan leading to 12 million new jobs lacked substantive detail, Romney told the Steelworkers’ Union in Pittsburgh that he had expanded his approach to fifty points, reaping even greater rewards.
“My plan is not only efficacious but simplistic. If elected — when elected — I will redistribute Federal money for job and education programs to the states. After all, the money came from individual states. I say, let’s give it back to them, along with the responsibility for these programs. Fifty states, fifty point plan, smaller Federal government, jobs are no longer my problem.”
One of the two dozen in the audience asked how Pennsylvania would create jobs for residents of Pittsburgh when American steel output has fallen to less than 6% of world production. “I think you didn’t hear me,” said the former Governor. “No longer my problem. Talk to Governor Corbett.”
Another Union member asked how educational programs would work. “However the states want them to. They’ll have a finite amount of money at their disposal to apply as they see fit. If the schools are successful, they will thrive; if not, they’ll fail and be closed down. It’s like a voucher system on steroids. Good schools will be rewarded by an overwhelming landslide of popularity. Poor schools can be turned into office complexes for small businesses to grow. Then we get more jobs again. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy!”
“What if my kid’s school gets closed down?” asked a young man in front. “Without a education, how’s he s’posed to get a job in the new office complex?”
“You can take him across town to the good school. Or better yet, move there so you’ll be close by,” explained the Governor with mounting excitement. “This 50 point plan can apply on a larger level too. States that don’t do well with the Federal money will lose people to neighboring states that fare better. This will act as an incentive for higher performance. Underperforming states can go bankrupt and be reorganized. And it’s you, the residents, who get to vote on how well they’re doing — with your feet! It’s democracy in action!”
“What if I don’t wanna move?” persisted the questioner.
“Well, everybody’s got to be a little flexible for my plan to work. But that’s where American workers show their mettle. We can change, adapt, and respond to the challenges of the marketplace.”
While members of the audience whispered to each other, Governor Romney elaborated upon the mechanics of his plan. “Look, if each state just made 500,000 jobs with this Federal money, we’d have 25 million new jobs created! Way more than 12 million. A million in each state: 50 million jobs! Don’t you see? This is why I just love spreadsheets.”
In his concluding remarks, Romney told the dozen remaining members, “Critics have questioned the details of my plan for jobs and education. So now you have it: I’m throwing a TARP right over the problem. Determination and sacrifice will be required in the short term, especially if you’re Black with a lot of kids living in Louisiana. But over the long term, America will rebound and rebind itself into the melting hodgepodge that has made us great. Vote for me, and I’ll turn back the clock to our glory days that still lie ahead! With innovation and lots of imagination, we can swing this — and Pennsylvania, and Ohio, and Virginia.”