Alaskan Sale to Fetch $7 Trillion
JC Wire, Washington D.C.

Republican leaders are touting a new plan to reduce the federal debt by more than half without raising taxes.  “This is the solution we’ve been looking for,” said House Speaker John Boehner, (R, OH) in an excitedly staged meeting of the press.

Revealing details of the idea’s conception, he stated, “First we thought we’d sell Alaska back to Russia; but even with their growth, they’re short on cash.  Then we naturally thought of the Chinese, who are flush.  When we realized they could pay with the very US Treasury bonds we’re trying to retire, it was a no-brainer!”

Representative Eric Cantor, House Majority Leader (R, VA) crowed that his party had finally resolved America’s fiscal crisis.  Questioned about the wisdom of selling an entire state, Cantor retorted, “Republicans have a long and consistent history of selling federal assets to the highest bidder.  In a global economy, we cannot afford to be short-sighted about who that bidder may be.”

“This is the perfect time to sell,” added Cantor.  “The price of gold has doubled and with it, the speculation of hidden reserves throughout the state. We’ll get most of the value of the gold without having to dig it up!  It’s like free money!”

The Chinese delegation was equally enthusiastic.  “China is learning about capitalism from the U.S.,” said a Chinese official involved in the discussions.  “In our M&A view, Alaska is an underutilized asset under current ownership.  We can extract much more shareholder value.  For example, we will send our trawler fleet to harvest foodstocks along the coastal regions.  This will meet near-term demands of the Japanese seeking radioactive-free fish as well as our own domestic commodity market for shark appendages.”  Speaking under condition of anonymity, the official continued: “This is like China’s version of conquering the American West!  Our citizens will rush to procure gold from rivers and mountainsides.  Petro companies will pump oil from the tundra ranges.  We even expect a short-term boom in reindeer coats with successful western marketing slogans like ‘While Supplies Last!’”

“It’s a win-win situation for both countries,” said Rep. Boehner.  “While our hands have been tied by environmental special interests and excessive government regulation, the Chinese can go in and drill all they want, anywhere they want.  Our protectionist agreements will be null and void.  The Chinese could become richer than the Saudis.  And we can pay down our debts.  It’s the responsible thing to do.”

When questioned about security concerns of having China closer to our borders, Rep. Boehner replied, “Heck, Alaska isn’t even on our contiguous border.  It’s always been like an outlying territory anyway.”  With an eye to the international impact, he added, “With new sources of oil in Alaska, China is likely to be less aggressive in sourcing oil from repressive regimes in Africa.  This deal will stabilize and support world peace.”

While the Republican majority could easily deliver votes in the House, Senate leaders had a more difficult task.  Back room discussions finally arrived at a proposal that brought in hesitant Republican and Democratic votes alike.  “We added a stipulation that the Chinese would have to take [former Alaskan Governor Sarah] Palin as part of the package,” said Mitch McConnell, (R, KY), Minority Leader of the Senate.  This was almost a deal breaker, he noted; but the Chinese eventually capitulated with the caveat that Palin’s family not be included.  They will be expatriated east to Canada’s Yukon Territory during escrow.

In a complex joinder to the transaction, the Chinese will sell the lower Alaskan peninsula as far as Ketchikan to Canada at the close.  “The Chinese get to recoup some of their investment immediately,” explained Senator McConnell; “and we had to give the Canadians something so they’d accept the Palin solution.”

“Alaska has always been a high risk investment for us since we bought the place,” noted Rep. Boehner.  “Working conditions there are difficult; it’s dark half the time; and with global warming causing ice pack and glacier melting, who knows what’ll happen.  It’s time to sell.”

Asked about Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s opinion of the arrangement, Senator McConnell explained, “He went back to Nevada.  We don’t need his vote anyway.”  In a rare display of political courtesy, Republican leaders met secretly with White House officials who welcomed the chance to reach across the aisle in a cooperative effort.  However, staffers did suggest a scaled down version in which the U.S. would retain ownership of pristine national parkland in the northern part of the state.  Republicans agreed as long as the mineral and mining rights transferred to the new buyer, a compromise that appeared acceptable to the Obama administration.  Democratic advisors claimed this as a “victory in national stewardship, allowing future Americans to experience this scenic heritage, at their own risk.”

Environmental lobbyists, citing a long history of documented abuses, immediately requested assurances from the Chinese to safeguard natural habitat and minimize collateral damage from mining and drilling.  “We will try very hardest to preserve some of the natural beauties abounding there,” said Dong Wei Cai, the Assistant Deputy Administrator for Contingency Resource Planning on Non-mainland and Minor Projects.

Concerned that special interest lobbyists might block or delay the sale, Senator McConnell, retorted, “Hey: they buy it, they own it.  We can’t be telling people what to do with their private property!”

“We’re calling it the ‘49’er Solution,” chimed Rep. Boehner.  “We’ll still have 49 states left, and the Chinese will have a Gold Rush.”

President Obama has made no public comment on the sale, but Republicans anticipated no objections.  “Heck, we’re solving his biggest fiscal crisis.  He’ll probably get re-elected,” said Rep. Cantor.  “Obama should thank us!”  He later indicated a transaction of such magnitude was unlikely to finalize before the first quarter of 2013.

Reporters raised questions about the fate of those living in Alaska, especially after China’s troublesome territorial acquisitions along its western border.  “The Alaskan-American workers will be taken care of by the new owners,” said Senator McConnell.  “The Chinese have assured us as part of the deal that they will send in teams of teachers for linguistic training and re-education.  We fully expect the locals to be happy to join China’s newest province, Xīn Jiàochē, which means ‘New Saloon’ in Chinese.”

“It’s no problem for any indigenous people who don’t want to assimilate,” said Mao Gang Hu of the Chinese delegation.  “We will give them free land in which to congregate!  They can even have their own tribal officials.  Of course, this land won’t be nearby the coasts, or the inland waterways, or anywhere under 10,000 feet of elevation.”

The Chinese appeared ecstatic over the agreement.  One of the celebrating delegation was overheard by reporters in Washington’s popular New Shanghai restaurant, saying “We get food, minerals and energy.  Now we don’t have to worry about sustaining our growth rate.  The second wave of our industrialization is full throttle on!  Plus, we will solve the overpopulation problem.  It’s such a great deal!”

Asked how they arrived at the $7 trillion figure in such a complex transaction, Rep. Boehner cited the hiring of experienced Wall Street investment bankers utilizing the latest asset management formulas.  “We wanted to cover the entire $14 trillion debt; China wanted to pay next to nothing; we ended up in the middle.  Of course, that’s before fees and bonuses.”