JCwire: Washington, D.C.
Under pressure to demonstrate constructive action to address the growing Immigration crisis, Congressional Republicans held a press conference to announce PTUII: Portfolio Toward Unregistered Immigrant Inclusion. The Plan includes limited rights of citizenship attainable over a four year period, culminating in full citizenship in ten years, subject to numerous caveats.
“We’ve been stuck on this social and political problem that just seemed unsolvable,” attested House Speaker John Boehner, (R-OH). “Then somebody said, ‘Why not treat it like a financial problem? That’s something we understand!’ We realized that if these immigrants felt invested in the United States, they would behave well, like stockholders.”
Representative Jeb Hensarling, Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, explained the details. “Under our plan, Immigrants could sign up for a Limited Restricted Share Certificate in America. This would give them certain rights alongside other Americans – the holders of Preferred Shares, if you will. Those with LRS shares could get things like driver’s licenses and insurance, pay taxes and such. However, they would be restricted from voting in the November shareholder elections. There would be a four year vesting to make these rights permanent. After ten years, holders of LRS shares could request conversion to Preferred status and full citizenship – assuming they had no run-ins with the law, like speeding tickets or late payments to our financial institutions.”
Some Democrats assailed the plan. Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) responded: “This plan excludes anyone who doesn’t have a bank account and a credit card. Many immigrants, especially undocumented ones, can’t acquire these assets and therefore could not apply.”
The White House, however, was surprisingly upbeat. Press Secretary Josh Earnest said, “At least we have something from Congress to evaluate. They seem to have interpreted Immigration in a language they and their lobbyist puppeteers understand. Dangers remain, however. If a market for LDS shares is created, we are concerned that some immigrants may feel pressured to sell their shares during times of economic hardship. This presents an avenue of entry for terrorists, as the only requirement is financial.”
Representative Boehner discounted such concerns. “Whenever there are assets with buyers and sellers, a market maker will emerge. However, our plan has a built-in security feature: what terrorist can live in America for years without missing a card payment? I can’t even do that!”