Putin Resigns Presidency, Adopts New Title
JC Wire, Moscow
In a stunning press release today, Vladimir Putin announced his abandonment of the title of President, replacing it with that of Tsar of All Russia. Western governments responded with alarm.
“The Russian people look to our head of state to reignite the glory of Russia’s proud history. Tsar Vladimir will return to us our rightful and prominent place in world,” the release stated.
Critics have claimed Putin is looking to Russia’s past, ignoring the realities of the current day as he mobilizes troops and annexes territory with impunity. Today’s announcement referenced Russian history, noting that from 1547 until 1721 leaders referred to themselves as Tsars. Putin is quoted as saying, “I am so like them: expanding Russian borders, distributing the country’s assets to loyal friends, disposing efficiently of opposition voices. Suddenly I realized, I am a Tsar!”
In a small press conference following the release, a relaxed Putin sat in front of a pre-selected sampling of journalists to answer questions. Replying to a question about whether he would assume new powers, he showed surprise. “Are there some I have forgotten? No, I think I have them all.”
Responding to one reporter’s comment about the possible overreach of his elected authority, Putin said, “Remove that man!” As two guards whisked him away, Putin asked, “Any more questions?” With no further hands being raised, Putin began to wax philosophical about Russia’s past and future.
“Only a few centuries ago, Russia extended across three continents. The unfortunate separations in the recent past have eroded our Western borders. As for the East, the sale of Alaska was an historical error begotten of trickery. Many people of Russian ancestry still live there, and more would emigrate under a centralized plan. If there were then a referendum and Alaska voted to become independent … well.”
In a major shift of government, Putin announced the capital would be moved to St. Petersberg, as it was in the Tsarist period. “This will recapture some of the charm of the old days. Of course, I will stay in Moscow myself. I prefer the nightlife.” When asked if this would make it more difficult to work with the Duma, he said, “With the Internet these days, I can issue orders to the legislature from my home at any hour, day or night. It’s really no problem.”
Queried whether he had any further plans, Tsar Vladimir shrugged. “Who knows what the Russian people may want me to do? After all, Peter the Great was a Tsar and then became Emperor. That has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”