Tea Party Celebrates Victory
JCwire: Washington
At closed door sessions in Washington and open celebrations throughout the country, the Tea Party faithful celebrated their successful transition of American Democracy to Republican Oligarchy. Effectively fulfilling their strategy of 2010 to restore minority rule, this small band of conservative outliers expressed jubilation at the recent outcome. “If I knew how easy this was going to be, I’d have run for office years ago!” said Senator Ted Crux (R-TX).
Tea Party-ers from Tennessee to Arizona were hosting B-B-Qs over which copies of the Constitution were burned. “It gives the Federal Government too much power,” said Congressman Paul Gofar, (R-AZ). “Part of our platform of streamlining government includes eliminating this excessive authority. Next we’re going to pick through the Bill of Rights.”
Claiming that majority rule is inefficient, conservatives say they can come to the right conclusions for the country by themselves. “Democracy just takes too long,” proclaimed Senator Paul Brand (R-KY). “When our minority rules, we can reach consensus much quicker. Everything is clear and simple. You get hundreds of people in a room and all these fine points start to emerge; everything gets complicated. Who wants complicated?”
Democrats accused the minority faction of unprecedented hijacking and dismantling of democratic principles begun over two hundred years ago. Congresswoman Michele Bachknock (R-MN) responded: “And they accuse us of throwing temper tantrums. Have you ever heard such whining?”
Asked how long the government shutdown would continue, Rep. Bachknock said, “Until we get everything we want, of course. Now that we know minority control works, we don’t have to compromise our ideals. We’re going for broke!”
When a Washington Post reporter suggested that the government they were now leading would soon go broke indeed, Rep. Bachknock expressed excitement. “That’s just what we want! Then we can tip the cart of State upside down and let all this excess government fall out. Private enterprise will be able to pick up the pieces at pennies on the dollar. Look how well that worked out for Russia! I say, we can do even better!”
With Federal employees sidelined and government contractors beginning to lay off personnel, pressure has been mounting to ease the financial toll from the shutdown. “Okay already,” said Rep. Eric Cantdo (R-VA). “We offered to pay for the oxygen for injured vets and food stamps for the old folks. But what’s with all these other complainers? They should have six months of cushion saved up for times like this. Paycheck to paycheck; really? Who lives like that?!”
“Disconnected from reality,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Read (D-NV). “These Mad-Hatters have been sipping KoolAid in their own little Wonderland. The American people are not part of this delusion. We would like our country back.”
“Ha! Fat chance!” said Congressman Gofar. “The tea is in the harbor and we’re just getting started!” Smiling broadly, he asked, “Would you like your Constitution medium or well done?”