JCwire Washington, D.C.
Today the House of Representatives passed legislation opening all restrooms to “persons of either or any sex, sexual orientation, sexual preference, or asexual preference.” After prior attempts to control the actions of transgender individuals, many Washington insiders and observers were perplexed by today’s outcome.
“Where the heck did they come up with that?” voiced Charles Magnason, Director of the SuperPAC Citizens for Public Decency. “The House has become increasingly difficult to control, but now they’ve just waded off the deep end!”
Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), Majority Leader, was equally surprised. When asked if the Senate would approve the proposed legislation, McConnell said, “We think the American people should be the ones to approve or disapprove of it. Therefore, we will not bring this to the floor until the next election is over.”
A reporter for the Washington Post claimed to have received a recording highlighting the House debate on the matter. While individuals could not be accurately recognized, the conversations were clear on the recording, which seemed to be made on one member’s smart phone. The released transcript reads as follows:
We’ve informally agreed that transgender men can’t use our – that is, the – washroom. It’s been decided!
Yeah, but what about all the fuss that was raised about sending them into the girl’s bathroom?
I don’t think so! And what about lesbians? Are they going to come into our bathrooms?
They have to go somewhere. I don’t think lesbians in the men’s room is gonna play very well.
What if we had a women’s room for heterosexual women, a men’s room for heterosexual men, and told anyone else to use the trees outside?
Gentlemen … and ladies … why is this so confusing? It’s sex! They’re either male or female.
That used to be an easier call to make.
I don’t want gay men to come into my, our, that is, the men’s bathroom. They might be sexual preditors.
You mean like some of our convicted members? Anyway, you think the girls are gonna be fine hosting gays, or bi’s, or trans?
Well, we can’t have separate bathrooms for every color and flavor of sexual preference. This is ridiculous!
Look everybody, Congress decided back in the ’60s that ‘separate but equal’ was unconstitutional. We can’t be separating people based on a single factor.
A rather significant ‘single factor,’ I’d say!
Hey, who cares? Enough already! I say just let anyone go wherever the spirit moves them.
What? We can’t have that!
Wait a minute. This could work. We wouldn’t be guilty of segregation. We’d get government out of our private lives. And we could finish this vote and go home. It’s after eleven! I’m missing ‘House of Cards.’
What the heck! Let’s vote and get this over with.
All in favor?
Okay, it’s carried. Now I hope we can get back to more important government business. Tomorrow we vote on the motion to repeal Obamacare.