Regions in France

JCwire Paris

Over the last several days, 16 of France’s 27 Regions have adopted a de-facto prohibition against American tourists and business persons from entering their borders. The proclamation, which is under consideration by still more Regions, requires all travelers to prove they have never owned a gun and don’t know how to use one – effectively barring all Americans.

“In the United States, there is a mass shooting almost every single day,” said Regional President Bertrand Omer of Alsace. “We have many American friends, but we can no longer allow such violent people to enter the country.”

Tensions are high after last Friday’s terrorist attack in Paris. The government has declared a State of Emergency and has closed borders. Francois Antille, President of Avergne, said “We must assess the security requirements of the country and take extraordinary measures in this time of crisis. Persons suspected of violent acts or temperaments will not be allowed in the country. Certainly this includes Americans.”

“After these recent attacks, we must be very careful to protect ourselves,” said Henri DeQuad, President of Brittany. “The number of guns in America equals the total population. We assume every American has access to and knowledge of such weapons. The risk [of allowing them entry] is just too high. We must say ‘no!’ ”

Certain Regions have taken a more moderate stance. In Normandy, Americans coming from the U.K. have been able to cross into France. However, further travel to Paris has been problematic, with American vacationers having to stay in coastal areas.

“This whole thing is ridiculous,” said Wayland Beek of St. Louis, MO, who had been in Paris before the attack. “Why, if I just had my 9 mm and 12 gauge pump, I could have stopped those dang terrorists in two minutes! If the French are too stupid to arm themselves when they go out for the evening, well then what do they expect?”

French President Hollande asked for calm in this hyper-vigilant time. “Yes, we must reserve the right to search anyone entering our country from dangerous or war-torn countries like Syria and the United States. But we should distinguish refugees from tourists: one drains our national treasury and the other adds to it. The last thing we want in such a time of crisis is to quash a major revenue source!”

At Paris’ Charles DeGaulle airport, Americans have been refused entry and forced to turn around. “That was the shortest trip I’ve ever made to France,” said Milli Fortuna of San Diego, CA. “At least I can load up on perfume and chocolates in the Duty Free stores before we go home!”

Some American politicians were outraged. Governor Greg Abbott of Texas asked the legislature to send him a bill prohibiting Texans from visiting France altogether. “If we can stop Syrians from entering Texas, we can stop Texans from entering Syria, or France, or wherever else we don’t think they should be. Hell, everyone just stay home!”