JCwire – Atlanta, GA
In a press conference today, Pastor Jeremiah Pastorius revealed a surprising resurgence of faith in the United States. “This is a shift we’ve never seen in my lifetime! With so many people coming back to religion, we’re renaming the country: ‘Amen-erica!’ ”
Asked to explain this return to religious roots, the Pastor elaborated. “It has to do with the political climate. We evangelicals have pushed doctrine through our SuperPacs for years; we’ve successfully influenced an election here and there. But now we’re seeing perplexed and anxious laypeople flocking to the chapel on Sunday. On Saturday even! They’re signing pledge cards and paying their Stewardship a year in advance!”
Reporters were eager to hear the political affiliations of these new members. “That’s the thing,” said Pastor Pastorius. “It’s about equal between the two major parties. The Republicans are kneeling in the pew, hands not folded but raised in the air, crying out for salvation! The Democrats are gathered on the other side of the aisle, tears in their eyes, praying aloud to be spared Armageddon! It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen.”
“What about other religions?” asked a reporter from Al Jazeera. “Do you see Americans flocking to Muslim mosques, Buddhist temples, and Jewish synagogues as well?”
“I don’t really have my pulse on that; but it’s safe to say this increased participation is across the board,” replied the Pastor. “Of course, this is America and we speak English here. So we’re calling it ‘Amen-erica’ now. ‘AllahuAkbar-erica’ just ain’t gonna work.”
The extended days of early voting have also worked in favor of religious groups. Many polling sites are located in American churches. “It’s just like the DMV for us,” said Pastor Pastorius. “The DMV lets you register to vote when you go to get your license. We let people sign up on the church roles while they’re voting.”
Questioned about the constitutional separation of Church and State, the Pastor dismissed any conflict of interest. “That may have been an issue in the olden days. But now it appears that the Church is providing salvation for the state of the State. Where else are the understandably confused supposed to turn? The Church cannot ignore its duty to offer consolation and support in this time of torment.”