JCwire, New York, November 16, 2014
The conservative think tank, American High Enterprise Movement (AHEM), today announced that Capitalism had exceeded the boundaries of an economy and now engulfs the American political system as well. “With considerable excitement, we’ve been watching the economy grow past the normal distribution of production and trade,” said Regus Banks, President of AHEM and Professor of Economics at NYU. “We’ve been waiting until it reached quantitative thresholds, and I’m happy to report that recent election and market data substantiate our prediction. Capitalism has officially transcended economic limits and is now a functioning political system.”
Business leaders shared this enthusiasm for the economic-political merger. “We’ve said for decades that an enterprise-based market – freed of regulatory and other artificial constraints – would be a better form of government,” said Jackson Rocketeller, CEO of Megalith Investments and Chairman of AHEM. “Finally, we can let the market determine fair pricing levels for political agendas. This last election proves that unbridled capitalism works!”
“It’s terribly exciting! I feel like an astronomer who is watching a Supernova transforming itself into a Black Hole!” said Professor Banks. “This is a whole new societal form emerging – a combination of economic and political system in one! We are witnessing the birth of a new form of human organization.”
John Smith, Director of Wall Street Watch, a consumer advocacy group, disagreed. “We’ve seen other forms of government try to control an economy. Frankly, that never fared well. We are very concerned that such a merger would become destructive to the majority of American families.”
In response, Professor Banks elaborated. “One has to look at history. Russian Communism had a run at it; but that depended upon a central authority rather than a free market. Chinese Communism has been a little better of late, but they are similarly hindered by centralized rather than market-based decision-making. Only American Capitalism, with a free and open markets, has finally achieved econo-political synthesis!”
Charles Koch, CEO of Koch Industries, praised the finding. “With a market-driven political system, we finally have transparency in government. Open bidding will establish fair pricing for representatives, senators, governors, and administrative officials. Of course, citizen’s privacy is important and can still be maintained through anonymous bids, shell corporations, and SuperPACs.”
Some academics have called the announcement premature, noting that the low turnout of the November election served to overstate the research results.
“Not at all,” said Professor Banks. “Low turnout in mid-terms just provides leverage to accomplish the same political goals more cheaply. It’s like buying options instead of holding actual shares: you get more bang for your buck! The leverage is huge and the risk is quite manageable.”
Banks’s associate and co-author of the research, Ron Butterfly, described an early indication of this transformation. “I first got a glimmer of how close we were with the government shutdown last fall. I expected the market to react negatively; but it just kept on growing, hitting new highs. That told me how inconsequential the government really is. It was ripe for a takeover. Now, American Capitalism and American Democracy have morphed into a new system. The unified management structure should yield administrative efficiency, leading to increased shareholder value.”
No Congressmen or Senators responded officially to calls regarding the announcement, although several claimed their value numbers to be the highest in their respective chambers. President Obama gave a curt response to the study results, saying, “No one is buying me! I don’t have a value number on my head.”
“That’s because there’s not much demand for a lame duck,” said CEO Rocketfeller. “Economic decisions tend to be forward looking. The money is on front runners for 2016.”
Some looked beyond the current scenario. “There’s no telling where this will end up,” said Joan Cleaver, Chairwoman of Main Street, a citizen’s lobbyist group. “Do we turn over our social and interpersonal systems next? Will you have to bid for your friends, your dates, your husband or wife?”
When told of this concern, Professor Banks responded, “Yes! That’s the beauty of it! Why shouldn’t an individual’s value have a number associated with it, just like a government official? We’re striving for equality here. Who knows how far Capitalism will run if we keep giving it an open field!”